It’s no ones fault

Whilst it is a few years since I posted, I still follow the dementia community. I await the day a paraphrenia community develops, as I have so many tales to tell on that subject!  A whole series of tales in fact!
So welcome back.
Nice to see you again!
Hope you enjoying a jolly nice spring!
 I have read with some concern a post on social media today, asking for all things that cause death in dementia. Now the naughty side of me wants to say heart stopped beating or failed to continue breathing, but families need to understand what will happen.

 I CANT TELL TELL YOU....

 Yes that says CANT

 No one can.
 People with dementia all have their own experience, All you can do is be there, be their memory and remember them.
Do not get stuck on the detail . It will consume you.

You loved them!
That is all that matters.

Happy Birthday Dad

Tomorrow would have been my dads 89th birthday. Get away with you.... I hear you say.... I know I don't look old enough to have a dad so old! But I don't. He passed away in June 2014. He had dementia. He had a fantastic life, a lovely wife, two children, a thriving business but most importantly a quiet, thoughtful, and nurturing personality. He taught me skills that every daughter should but doesn't know. I can build walls, saw wood and make things, I'd like to think I'm practical and resilient, I make a mean sandwich and have a liking for BBQ experiments, sadly I can't plaster.... Almost two years on I still think about his silliness, I'm not sad anymore, I'm glad he was my dad. I wish that every one could have a dad like that.

Almost a year on

It's been almost one year since dementia ate by dad. We all still miss him and think of him, but we now look back and laugh at his antics. I have not posted for almost a year, however I am watching Demetiaville and so wish he had been in a setting like this. Taking people back and accepting their memory. 

I had many a conversation about houses he built 30 plus, sorry 50 years ago as if he was on site. A common question was always have you got the car? When I asked why, he would always say ... I need it to get the lads wages. At first I used to try to bring him to the present, then I realised go with it. I then got to saying I got them this morning like you told me, this settled him. This programme shows a level of care that is so reassuring for people with the condition, and that what matters. Not how the family feel but making the person feel good. However my mum always found this frustrating. And he confusion I now put down to her condition.

I know some may not agree. But in my dotage, I hope people indulge me and make me feel happy, reassured and safe. Even if that means stepping back in time.

I now face a more puzzling challenge in another parent, paraphrenia. Now there is a can of worms worthy of a whole new chapter.

ALDI take over

Another month, life back to normal? I think better than the last ten years.

Maybe it is on the face, but memories seems stronger by the week. 

I have just watched his departure song, something I picked. Music to watch girls by ...Andy Williams and I am so glad I picked it. It made my cry on the day, but it brings back fond mementoes just a short while after. He loved ladies, in reality just my mum, but he appreciated ladies. I watch the video and think, he would love it.

I have recently learned the supermarket he built is to become an Aldi. I still have pictures of him building it. Gosh, do I tell Aldi , will they care? Oh well I think I'll tell them anyway.

Am I sad he died? Yes. 

Do I regret his passing when he did? No I welcomed it having seen what dementia does .

 Would he have wanted still to be here? Not like he was

Was he a superb dad? absolutely. 

Will I ever be as good a parent? I doubt it I'm too judgemental.

Life goes on

It's almost 3 months since I lost my dad to dementia. Yes, he forgot to swallow. Something we all take for granted.   But not for dementia sufferers.

 However, life goes on, a little emptier for our loss, but, fuller for having known him.

He is now laid to rest overlooking the golf course he helped to build, somewhere he could perform New Year's Eve concerts, somewhere he shared too many great days and nights out with his wife, my mum, somewhere he would have loved. 

I now, suprisingly quickly, remember the funny, hard working man he was. 

In the weeks following his death I had some bizarre conversations and one today brought this home. We were discussing car boot sales at work. I was asked if I had a used urn? heartless???? Never. The guy who asked is very caring but knew I had coped with death through laughter in the face of adversity. I had shared the scattering of the ashes tale, and given good advice in check the wind direction, don't step on them etc etc.

 But he knew I didn't know what to do with the recyclable container my dad had been delivered In.  So he made light of it and I really appreciate that. No.... woe is me, it happened, it was shite, but it happened.

For three weeks the ashes rested in my porch, we were getting used to saying hello and goodbye as we came and went. Now we just say hello when passing the golf club.

I am paranoid about my mum developing dementia, but every check we have is fine. 

I also have two colleagues /friends with recently diagnosed parents and hope I can help them cope. It's not your fault!.... the thought I have when I see them upset, easy for me as a survivor of parent with dementia, but dreadful and unbelievable at first diagnosis. 

But now we remember my dad as the fantastic guy he was. My dad!

Dementia ate my dad and swallowed him whole

As some of you may know my dad passed away this week.  Traumatic does not describe watching someone you love disappear. His dementia overtook him in the race some years ago. You think of dementia as a condition where relatives are unrecognised. You forget the day etc, but the end stages are gruesome. Especially forgetting to swallow.

It was sad to see the progress. He will never see his architect, economist, neurosciencist and yet to be decided career grandchildren fulfill their destinies. But I hope he will be proud to know he played a part in each of their careers. He has a strong family and even stronger friends, who have made made the process easier, unlike authorities. 

I have listened in to phone call after phone call (only because my mums phone is stuck in speaker phone mode) where people have made my mum laugh recalling stories of my dad, my funny, comedic dad. He loved to dance, to party, to holiday. He loved to build, could tell the type and age of wood from a discarded splinter, and was a master of creativity. But most of all he loved his family, until the end he tried to protect us all. 

The hours he spent planning, building and performing for "impromptu" gigs at a moments notice cannot be calculated. He love of entertainment was legendary, he could perform like a stand up comedian and make it look effortless. 

And what have I done in return. Make him proud.... I hope so. Look after mum....am trying. But I try to be the best ....without compromise. Honest... there is no other way.  Never settling for less than perfection ( a nightmare for most people who meet me, I accept) Be happy with my life and so happy that he was my dad.......always. He made a lot of lives happier just by knowing him.

I had to admit today that he had been born and spent three months in Yorkshire as a child, this was not a thing I am proud of. I think of my dad as a Wiganer. He was. In fact one thing that may me smile in a later years and the last few months was my leaving him at the end of every visit I would say

I'm going to the shops do you want anything........his answer was always 

"A pie"

If you have been a regular reader of my blog and want to stop this cruel condition in years to come please donate to alztheimers research.  Just search Clem Turton on just giving. Together we can stop this happening to you!

They think it all over....it is now

And so he is laid to rest. The funniest, hardest man in Wigan, who had core values of honesty, caring and family first.

If I could bottle his values I would, I'd make a million. 

The turn out at church laid testament to the lives he made a difference to. The flowers, I hope, celebrated his love of gardening and showed his love of nature. I have heard countless stories about how he made work fun, nights out memorable and gave people holiday memories to treasure.

I think he would have liked today. It was the best do he never went to and hopefully paid tribute to him in a respectful way. He would have giggled at the vicar dancing in the crematorium to his final song just as he would have tapped his foot as we left church and smiled at the jokes on the order of service, disguised to look like a serious passage to read.

The quote chosen was George Bernard Shaw... life does not cease to be funny when you die just as it does not cease to serious when you laugh. This summed him up.

But what next? It's time to move on, not to forget.... More to remember the man that was my dad.

To paraphrase the words of Dave Allen, one of his favorites...... I hope god has a sense of humour or Dad is done for.