ALDI take over

Another month, life back to normal? I think better than the last ten years.

Maybe it is on the face, but memories seems stronger by the week. 

I have just watched his departure song, something I picked. Music to watch girls by ...Andy Williams and I am so glad I picked it. It made my cry on the day, but it brings back fond mementoes just a short while after. He loved ladies, in reality just my mum, but he appreciated ladies. I watch the video and think, he would love it.

I have recently learned the supermarket he built is to become an Aldi. I still have pictures of him building it. Gosh, do I tell Aldi , will they care? Oh well I think I'll tell them anyway.

Am I sad he died? Yes. 

Do I regret his passing when he did? No I welcomed it having seen what dementia does .

 Would he have wanted still to be here? Not like he was

Was he a superb dad? absolutely. 

Will I ever be as good a parent? I doubt it I'm too judgemental.

Life goes on

It's almost 3 months since I lost my dad to dementia. Yes, he forgot to swallow. Something we all take for granted.   But not for dementia sufferers.

 However, life goes on, a little emptier for our loss, but, fuller for having known him.

He is now laid to rest overlooking the golf course he helped to build, somewhere he could perform New Year's Eve concerts, somewhere he shared too many great days and nights out with his wife, my mum, somewhere he would have loved. 

I now, suprisingly quickly, remember the funny, hard working man he was. 

In the weeks following his death I had some bizarre conversations and one today brought this home. We were discussing car boot sales at work. I was asked if I had a used urn? heartless???? Never. The guy who asked is very caring but knew I had coped with death through laughter in the face of adversity. I had shared the scattering of the ashes tale, and given good advice in check the wind direction, don't step on them etc etc.

 But he knew I didn't know what to do with the recyclable container my dad had been delivered In.  So he made light of it and I really appreciate that. No.... woe is me, it happened, it was shite, but it happened.

For three weeks the ashes rested in my porch, we were getting used to saying hello and goodbye as we came and went. Now we just say hello when passing the golf club.

I am paranoid about my mum developing dementia, but every check we have is fine. 

I also have two colleagues /friends with recently diagnosed parents and hope I can help them cope. It's not your fault!.... the thought I have when I see them upset, easy for me as a survivor of parent with dementia, but dreadful and unbelievable at first diagnosis. 

But now we remember my dad as the fantastic guy he was. My dad!

Dementia ate my dad and swallowed him whole

As some of you may know my dad passed away this week.  Traumatic does not describe watching someone you love disappear. His dementia overtook him in the race some years ago. You think of dementia as a condition where relatives are unrecognised. You forget the day etc, but the end stages are gruesome. Especially forgetting to swallow.

It was sad to see the progress. He will never see his architect, economist, neurosciencist and yet to be decided career grandchildren fulfill their destinies. But I hope he will be proud to know he played a part in each of their careers. He has a strong family and even stronger friends, who have made made the process easier, unlike authorities. 

I have listened in to phone call after phone call (only because my mums phone is stuck in speaker phone mode) where people have made my mum laugh recalling stories of my dad, my funny, comedic dad. He loved to dance, to party, to holiday. He loved to build, could tell the type and age of wood from a discarded splinter, and was a master of creativity. But most of all he loved his family, until the end he tried to protect us all. 

The hours he spent planning, building and performing for "impromptu" gigs at a moments notice cannot be calculated. He love of entertainment was legendary, he could perform like a stand up comedian and make it look effortless. 

And what have I done in return. Make him proud.... I hope so. Look after mum....am trying. But I try to be the best ....without compromise. Honest... there is no other way.  Never settling for less than perfection ( a nightmare for most people who meet me, I accept) Be happy with my life and so happy that he was my dad.......always. He made a lot of lives happier just by knowing him.

I had to admit today that he had been born and spent three months in Yorkshire as a child, this was not a thing I am proud of. I think of my dad as a Wiganer. He was. In fact one thing that may me smile in a later years and the last few months was my leaving him at the end of every visit I would say

I'm going to the shops do you want anything........his answer was always 

"A pie"

If you have been a regular reader of my blog and want to stop this cruel condition in years to come please donate to alztheimers research.  Just search Clem Turton on just giving. Together we can stop this happening to you!

They think it all over....it is now

And so he is laid to rest. The funniest, hardest man in Wigan, who had core values of honesty, caring and family first.

If I could bottle his values I would, I'd make a million. 

The turn out at church laid testament to the lives he made a difference to. The flowers, I hope, celebrated his love of gardening and showed his love of nature. I have heard countless stories about how he made work fun, nights out memorable and gave people holiday memories to treasure.

I think he would have liked today. It was the best do he never went to and hopefully paid tribute to him in a respectful way. He would have giggled at the vicar dancing in the crematorium to his final song just as he would have tapped his foot as we left church and smiled at the jokes on the order of service, disguised to look like a serious passage to read.

The quote chosen was George Bernard Shaw... life does not cease to be funny when you die just as it does not cease to serious when you laugh. This summed him up.

But what next? It's time to move on, not to forget.... More to remember the man that was my dad.

To paraphrase the words of Dave Allen, one of his favorites...... I hope god has a sense of humour or Dad is done for.

The Tooth Fairy

This is not for the feint hearted! it's been a strange old week, my mum has been unwell. Spectacular nosebleeds. However hats off to her GP. Who spent 3 hours checking her and getting bloods done oh and an urgent referral to ENT. Who ever says the NHS are rubbish and need review have not experienced our local practice. The set back meant I wouldn't let mum go shopping no she had to rest. The rule in our house is no school, no play. That applies to everything, if you are too poorly to do one thing , then you are too unwell to do owt! But she was allowed to visit dad. A very strange visit. In the week, I visited alone, he looked poorly, very poorly. He wasn't moving and not awake fully. Interacting, but then again not. Today, he was up and dressed. He looked , to use a Wigan phrase... Bloody belting! However, I would like to describe the conversations as reasonable, but utter bollocks would be more appropriate. He was rude, and as my mum kept telling him, nasty. He has developed a habit over the last year of teeth grinding. This makes me slightly nauseous. You don't really know he is doing it. It sounds like a mouse chewing or scratching. Then you realise he is doing it. Saying stop makes no difference. So I try to distract him. His right hand has been firmly tucked inside his waist band through the first half of "From here to eternity" I was beginning to worry. I asked what he was doing but some nasty reply kept coming. Not rude or obscene, just dismissive. Eventually he brought out his hand and placed nothing on the table. It was on balance a good day, he had a drink and could manage it so they had given him a table......progress. A few moments later I wondered why he kept looking at the table. All the while screech screech screech of his teeth. Then I saw it. A tooth. He has ground his teeth so low he can wriggle them..... and pull them out. Now that is gruesome. I had an idea that he could no longer recognise pain receptors . His second knee , after his recent broken leg, at hip level gave that away. But pulling out his own teeth.....come on. The care assistant checked and yes it was his. He can't express pain, but continues to inflict it. I hope that I never get to the stage where pain is my only feeling.

Fresh Prince of residential care

I read a tweet this week from will smith it said @imWilISmith: Learn to appreciate what you have, before time forces you to appreciate what you had. Well today's visit to dad reallŷ made me appreciate this. I have spent 45 minutes feeding my dad mush, sorry pureed diet! It smelled reallŷ nice. It was bolognese and mash!!!! Wrong combination in my view, but he ate it. So I. Have made myself a bizarre tea of texture so I would appreciate chewing. Odd but true. He also ate all his pudding. He eats everything they give him however is still losing weight at a rate of 8kgs each month. I hope that slows down. He is now very distant and I would say confused. But, he does not come across as cross or confused. He thinks I'm the bonkers one because I can't see my nan in the room, she would be over 125 now. Nor can I hear grandad upstairs. It no longer worries me I just play along and he seems to happy with that. He asked me to get sawdust from the shop last week! End of life care is fantastic, he seems settled and the carers are great. I know he is still my dad because he still tries to crack a random joke with anyone who goes in the room.

This is the start of the end, my friend

I didn't think I would blog again about dementia. But I feel that would let down other families of dementia sufferers. Whenever I see dad now "this is the end" scrolls through my mind. Yes a doors track, quite fitting for a master builder, doors.....get it , a building component? Such a very strong man who taught me to be human, not a girl, not a boy, but a human who can do anything. He is still here but not. I will enjoy making the raised beds tomorrow for the garden because he showed me how to saw, drill, and assemble. Bear in mind I am still crap at ikea stuff! But I am shit hot with wood! Gosh this sounds a bit suggestive, but he would also laugh at that . He was mr joke, mr carry on. But now he he is mister confused, mr unhappy, and mr gone.

No, no and thrice no!!!

Well my dad remains in hospital. His leg, taking on an imitation of threading cotton reels on strings, is healing well. However, slurring of speech and an inability to swallow makes me think this is not right. To me he seems to have had a stroke. But, as I am told repeatedly by staff on the ward they have no point of reference. Many may get cross at this, but we are dealing with a man with advanced dementia. I know what they mean. If you never met him you may think he is just another dementia sufferer, another batty old man. To be fair if I met him today I would think the same. He is talking rubbish, well to be precise absolute bollocks. He has moved boxes all day , had a lock in on the second floor, and I have bunked off school again. This is not like him, his random talk usually makes more sense. Plus he would know to ring me if he found a lock in! The main problem is not eating, since last Thursday, due to an inability to swallow. His NG tube lasted two hours first time. He then got comedy mittens, the doctor was not impressed as I laughed but come on they were cartoon boxing gloves, attempt two. I did bet the nurse two hours. Come on they are impossible to remove. He did 24 minutes then Ng and bridle stitch removed. Since then he has resisted every attempt. Plus is adept at removing drips, tubes and whatever foreign body is placed in him. Thus the title, it could have read ten times no. He is not having any of that nonsense. He still has no idea he broke his leg or where he is. But the last two characteristics that remained have gone, his humour and his appetite. However, he remains. It's sad but his life has been fantastic. It probably will be for many weeks to come, maybe months as he is a stubborn bugger. His last wish will still be for some cake though, then I'll know he has a flash of what is happening.

The hardest man in wigan

Well, what a flipping week.

My dad fell on Monday morning. He was found with his leg behind his back, femur fractured in three !!! Ouch we softies may say! But I got to hospital and he didn't know what was wrong.

Is it hurting I asked?  What was the reply?? I then spent the next seven hours on a three minute loop


Him: Where am I ?
Me:Hospital
Him:why?
Me: you have fallen
Him:when?
Me:this morning , you broke your leg?
Him : who told you that?
Me: the doctor !!

Me: does it hurt?
Him:What



And repeat......for three days


I have tried to explain to staff he has advanced dementia, they acknowledge but don't at the same time. The nursing has been fantastic. But they don't get advanced dementia.


30 second Memory seems an alien concept. Leaving him with a urine bottle and saying press the buzzer when you have finished does not work. By the time they have finished explaining he has forgotten and thinks it is something he needs to fix.  So he re shapes the bottle, and wonders what the remote control is doing in his hand when there is no TV?

Even my mum does not get it, she actually witnessed him asking where he was three times before saying , remember when I was in hospital last year.

Makes me want to scream, he can't remember his last breath let alone what you last told him.

Tomorrow they are mobilising him. That will be interesting. Needless to say I will be briefing staff first thing about immediacy of information and action.

I have to say even the paramedic came back as he could not understand such a break and no pain, that's advanced dementia sunshine, and no matter how much you think you understand, it evades explanation.,

I despair! A phrase I use a lot these days.

Dementia is horrid and cruel' but please try to understand and train health care professionals as this will get worse.

Trumpet a go go!!!!!

Well last Sunday dad was 87.
Mum does not want to visit Saturday, no mention of going twice !  I get a feeling we go so she can tell friends she has been. However that is harsh, she misses him terribly, and is lost without him that explains why we spend three hours choosing a plant for him Saturday.
87. A great achievement, but he didn't know it was his birthday. His condition worsens every week, but this week was really bad, bad tempered at times, talking nonsense. Utter rubbish really!!! I never thought I would write a card that explains who every one  is, your grandson aged 18 at Manchester uni son of ....... Was pretty much it. He seemed to take in what was written and this made him confused and angry. The suggestions to explain who and what everyone is didn't work then. I'll stick to usual photos and simple explanations in future.
 I also find she getting fat remarks slightly offensive, yes I am but that happens years ago! To be reminded does not help , thanks dad.
 But I sat there the thinking what would birthdays have meant in the past? He never really bothered. No deal was made of birthdays in our house, they just happened. That is why, in my opinion, he associates no importance with them. Even Christmas was limited to "after breakfast". However I then thought about the tunes he would play as he did like music, englebert, Julio and lots of others, but his favorite was always James Last. The one I remember was trumpet a go go. A classic that he would bop away to. So I choose to remember him as the party boy who was fun and danced, not the miserable old man that insults my weight and family as he did at weekend!!!

Fighting over Ferraro !

Dad has been in a care home since last March. He has advanced vascular dementia. The care home has been closed since new year due to norovirus, well closed to visitors. So today is the first time I have seen home for three weeks. We arrived and he was missing. Not in his usual spot I went looking for him. He was sat all on his lonesome in the dining room. He said he couldn't leave as every time he tried to they told him to finish his brew. Plus he hadn't had his dinner, sorry that's Wigan for lunch. He flatly refused to move, eventually my mum came and found us. He had no idea we had not been, no idea where he was, whether he had eaten, what he was doing. I then had 20 minutes of him getting cross about the people not coming to his table to get the next job? People had been bringing him things all morning to fix and he was tired, everytime he fixes them they just break them again. Yes, random, bizarre comments. He is so much worse. Mum had taken him some chocolates, he unwrapped on and placed it on the table. He then proceeded to play table football with it for the next 15 minutes, quite funny really. Every two minutes my mum would tell him to eat it, he would smile at me and flick it across the table. It really , really annoyed her. "eat the chocolate it's aggravating me" she said, all the time smiling in case the care workers heard Her shouting. He didn't and just messed about. I spoke to the carers and he is sleeping excessively, says me who had a nap when I got home, but he is falling asleep whilst eating now. He fell asleep twice whilst we were there. Does anyone know is this common in dementia??? Mum still thinks he is putting it on, I'm convinced. But every now and agin there are moments of brilliant cruelty. Just before we left mum said everyone had been asking how he was. His response, do you tell them you put me in an old folks home!!! Two minutes earlier he thought he was at home. So the nasty side of dementia is finally surfacing. I don't expect things will change this year. Every week he will ask me how many children I have, who's' dogs are on my phone and have I got new shoes??. Have a great year everyone and remember It's not your fault!!!!!