The hardest man in wigan

Well, what a flipping week.

My dad fell on Monday morning. He was found with his leg behind his back, femur fractured in three !!! Ouch we softies may say! But I got to hospital and he didn't know what was wrong.

Is it hurting I asked?  What was the reply?? I then spent the next seven hours on a three minute loop


Him: Where am I ?
Me:Hospital
Him:why?
Me: you have fallen
Him:when?
Me:this morning , you broke your leg?
Him : who told you that?
Me: the doctor !!

Me: does it hurt?
Him:What



And repeat......for three days


I have tried to explain to staff he has advanced dementia, they acknowledge but don't at the same time. The nursing has been fantastic. But they don't get advanced dementia.


30 second Memory seems an alien concept. Leaving him with a urine bottle and saying press the buzzer when you have finished does not work. By the time they have finished explaining he has forgotten and thinks it is something he needs to fix.  So he re shapes the bottle, and wonders what the remote control is doing in his hand when there is no TV?

Even my mum does not get it, she actually witnessed him asking where he was three times before saying , remember when I was in hospital last year.

Makes me want to scream, he can't remember his last breath let alone what you last told him.

Tomorrow they are mobilising him. That will be interesting. Needless to say I will be briefing staff first thing about immediacy of information and action.

I have to say even the paramedic came back as he could not understand such a break and no pain, that's advanced dementia sunshine, and no matter how much you think you understand, it evades explanation.,

I despair! A phrase I use a lot these days.

Dementia is horrid and cruel' but please try to understand and train health care professionals as this will get worse.

Trumpet a go go!!!!!

Well last Sunday dad was 87.
Mum does not want to visit Saturday, no mention of going twice !  I get a feeling we go so she can tell friends she has been. However that is harsh, she misses him terribly, and is lost without him that explains why we spend three hours choosing a plant for him Saturday.
87. A great achievement, but he didn't know it was his birthday. His condition worsens every week, but this week was really bad, bad tempered at times, talking nonsense. Utter rubbish really!!! I never thought I would write a card that explains who every one  is, your grandson aged 18 at Manchester uni son of ....... Was pretty much it. He seemed to take in what was written and this made him confused and angry. The suggestions to explain who and what everyone is didn't work then. I'll stick to usual photos and simple explanations in future.
 I also find she getting fat remarks slightly offensive, yes I am but that happens years ago! To be reminded does not help , thanks dad.
 But I sat there the thinking what would birthdays have meant in the past? He never really bothered. No deal was made of birthdays in our house, they just happened. That is why, in my opinion, he associates no importance with them. Even Christmas was limited to "after breakfast". However I then thought about the tunes he would play as he did like music, englebert, Julio and lots of others, but his favorite was always James Last. The one I remember was trumpet a go go. A classic that he would bop away to. So I choose to remember him as the party boy who was fun and danced, not the miserable old man that insults my weight and family as he did at weekend!!!

Fighting over Ferraro !

Dad has been in a care home since last March. He has advanced vascular dementia. The care home has been closed since new year due to norovirus, well closed to visitors. So today is the first time I have seen home for three weeks. We arrived and he was missing. Not in his usual spot I went looking for him. He was sat all on his lonesome in the dining room. He said he couldn't leave as every time he tried to they told him to finish his brew. Plus he hadn't had his dinner, sorry that's Wigan for lunch. He flatly refused to move, eventually my mum came and found us. He had no idea we had not been, no idea where he was, whether he had eaten, what he was doing. I then had 20 minutes of him getting cross about the people not coming to his table to get the next job? People had been bringing him things all morning to fix and he was tired, everytime he fixes them they just break them again. Yes, random, bizarre comments. He is so much worse. Mum had taken him some chocolates, he unwrapped on and placed it on the table. He then proceeded to play table football with it for the next 15 minutes, quite funny really. Every two minutes my mum would tell him to eat it, he would smile at me and flick it across the table. It really , really annoyed her. "eat the chocolate it's aggravating me" she said, all the time smiling in case the care workers heard Her shouting. He didn't and just messed about. I spoke to the carers and he is sleeping excessively, says me who had a nap when I got home, but he is falling asleep whilst eating now. He fell asleep twice whilst we were there. Does anyone know is this common in dementia??? Mum still thinks he is putting it on, I'm convinced. But every now and agin there are moments of brilliant cruelty. Just before we left mum said everyone had been asking how he was. His response, do you tell them you put me in an old folks home!!! Two minutes earlier he thought he was at home. So the nasty side of dementia is finally surfacing. I don't expect things will change this year. Every week he will ask me how many children I have, who's' dogs are on my phone and have I got new shoes??. Have a great year everyone and remember It's not your fault!!!!!

Panic on the streets of Wigan , well Lower Ince.

I toyed with today's blog. Should it be on my twenty shades of social housing or this one. I have gone for this. The reason being the message I have is more likely to reach those who it may help through this forum. The story I am about to share is about a young lad, but equally could be a dementia sufferer who has wandered away from home. Today, as usual, I took mum to see dad. It was absolutely sorry weather. Luckily we arrived in between hail showers. We got out the car and started to walk to the entrance. There was a young lad at the door, talking loudly. I presumed on a hands free or headphone phone. I thought, brilliant, someone has rung the bell so we won't have to wait. As I reached the door , there stood behind the secure door were all the care staff, the cook, her sous chef and all the cleaners. "We can't let you in with him there" was shouted at me. How bizarre. I then clocked the lad, obviously upset and not looking good, bruised and slightly worse for wear. Now my two personalities kicked in. Do I get mum in with less fuss or sort out the lad and see what was wrong. "We can't let you in, come back later" I simply turned to the lad and said do you mind moving to the car park whilst I take my mum in. He very politely walked away. We got in. To be greeted by we have rung the police, he is homeless you know, and a drug addict. He had conned his way in and been ejected. I quickly moved mum to lounge before she could hear. I then went back and asked if they had asked him any questions, no he is a drug addict. Now I know I am immune to some things, but that lad was obviously in distress. I went to look for him but he had gone. Why don't these people have any compassion. They were frightened. I realise that. But here was a lad who was looking for help. I told them what to do if he returned and gave them numbers for Wigan homeless shelter. I doubt they would ever ring. I just hope he doesn't sleep rough tonight. On my dad. He was very argumentative today, having auditory and visual halucinations. It was a short visit, usually a sign that he is very tired. For anyone else not in housing evading this, please don't make assumptions about homeless people. Just talk to them and see what help is available.

The Wrong Trousers

i toyed with the title of this post from I'm doomed through to the current wrong trousers. I have taken the week off. I did this partly because mum had appointment with psychiatrist but also because I wanted to see the care home during the week. So the jolly doomed bit. Well not only do I have a dad who has vascular dementia and can't remember more than 2 minutes, but I now have a mum diagnosed as delusional, not as simple as it sounds. Does this mean she thinks she can achieve above her ability, no, it means she has an altered sense of reality. Add onto this she is now being tested for Parkinson's! hopefully the dopamine inhibitors can explain this but she has to be tested. So as I said I'm doomed. After the jolly trip !!! Hope you got that joke , we went to see dad. He has had a really serous problem. Much worse than his dementia! His trousers were too small, so last week mum bought him five new pairs. But they are too big!!!! So the ladies in the conservatory have had thrills all week as his pants fell down every time he stood up!!! A great source of amusement. The carer who help us fit him, put him a belt on, but some just didn't bother. Consequently he has shown his under garments numerous times. I went and took all the pants in today. To you none sewing types that means made them smaller! Then tried them on. They were too small!!! Arghhhh!!! But no he laughed and said I'm not breathing in so you can't fasten them. See even in the right trousers. He has not lost his sense of fun.

Would you rest your legs on a stranger?

apologies for spelling and grammar, IOS 7 does not like blogger! If the answer is no, you are not my dad. But then again if you are reading this you are not my dad either. Today has been trying. The reality of the cost of permanent care has hit my mum. She can't understand why she should use her meager savings to pay, that is my funeral money she kept saying. I'm getting a solicitor . They can't take that. Now granted mum has planned almost state funerals for both of them but even so she does have a point. Pay to the point of poverty is just wrong. So all the way there she was bringing home home, despite the fact so is not mentally or physically possible of doing this. But, onto dad. Today was a bad day. His memory is appalling to the point after his brew and biscuit when I asked him to brush away crumbs, he asked why I threw them at him. He has virtually no short term memory left. But his long term is fading fast. He thinks he lives with mum and asked why she had gone to the shop, and when I asked what is for tea, his answer. Whatever mum makes. But he was happy and having a laugh with the care staff, they are really good with him. On leaving mum asked do he want to come home. No, I am fine here said dad. yes, she was upset!he had no idea what she meant as he thinks he still lives with her having a goldfish memory. Even though is is getting worst and more physically frail, he is still a happy man. Tries to entertain and apparently has good manners. That is unless you happen to be sat opposite him and he is sleepy, when apparently he nudges your legs a few times to move. If you don't he simply puts his legs on your lap and goes to sleep!!! Excellent!!!

My mum sent me a card?????

Well yesterday my parents celebrated their Diamond Wedding, 60 years! I had been planning things in the background for months. It appeared effortless on the day. Carer brought dad out of home to venue. Mum flapped so much she forgot her tights!!! Mini bus arrived without step so me and my eldest son lifted her into the mini bus, and out again! Without showing her drawers! It was really nice to see them together in a "normal" setting. Usual family scuffles ensued, what is a family meal without distant cousins fighting??? Not really, every one got on. But dad sat there, said hello to old friends, knew who they were and even cracked a few jokes, but ....... He didn't recognise any of his grandchildren. My children were very close all night as another grandparent died just before we left for the celebration. They hovered round those that are left, my eldest got asked numerous times if he was a waiter???? No I'm her grandson. Oh the joy of dining with an ageing population. I introduced dad to his 18 year old grandson. He had no recognition, then stared at me and asked why I hadn't told him I was pregnant! I hope he doesn't mean now??? He did however remember the old friends there and it was nice to see him so social. My highlight was showing him the message from the Queen, this is now a card with the Queen on the front. He looked, and said why has my mother sent me a card? Then winked at me to let me know he knew who it was. Of course my mum got all huffy and said it's the Queen. Something's never change. However, I feel I have to comment on his appetite. He started eating at 6 and did not stop until 9. He ate every last scrap on his plate, smiled chatted and even managed to cut the cake. It was a really good night , but also sad. No not just because of the demise of a grandma but because of the demise of my children's grandad. He will ever remember the joy he brought when they were young, daft grandad, but they will remember for just this reason, he doesn't know who they are. However after watch him eat, as for my post being Dementia ate my dad, last night he ate it right back!!!!!