Panic on the streets of Wigan , well Lower Ince.

I toyed with today's blog. Should it be on my twenty shades of social housing or this one. I have gone for this. The reason being the message I have is more likely to reach those who it may help through this forum. The story I am about to share is about a young lad, but equally could be a dementia sufferer who has wandered away from home. Today, as usual, I took mum to see dad. It was absolutely sorry weather. Luckily we arrived in between hail showers. We got out the car and started to walk to the entrance. There was a young lad at the door, talking loudly. I presumed on a hands free or headphone phone. I thought, brilliant, someone has rung the bell so we won't have to wait. As I reached the door , there stood behind the secure door were all the care staff, the cook, her sous chef and all the cleaners. "We can't let you in with him there" was shouted at me. How bizarre. I then clocked the lad, obviously upset and not looking good, bruised and slightly worse for wear. Now my two personalities kicked in. Do I get mum in with less fuss or sort out the lad and see what was wrong. "We can't let you in, come back later" I simply turned to the lad and said do you mind moving to the car park whilst I take my mum in. He very politely walked away. We got in. To be greeted by we have rung the police, he is homeless you know, and a drug addict. He had conned his way in and been ejected. I quickly moved mum to lounge before she could hear. I then went back and asked if they had asked him any questions, no he is a drug addict. Now I know I am immune to some things, but that lad was obviously in distress. I went to look for him but he had gone. Why don't these people have any compassion. They were frightened. I realise that. But here was a lad who was looking for help. I told them what to do if he returned and gave them numbers for Wigan homeless shelter. I doubt they would ever ring. I just hope he doesn't sleep rough tonight. On my dad. He was very argumentative today, having auditory and visual halucinations. It was a short visit, usually a sign that he is very tired. For anyone else not in housing evading this, please don't make assumptions about homeless people. Just talk to them and see what help is available.

The Wrong Trousers

i toyed with the title of this post from I'm doomed through to the current wrong trousers. I have taken the week off. I did this partly because mum had appointment with psychiatrist but also because I wanted to see the care home during the week. So the jolly doomed bit. Well not only do I have a dad who has vascular dementia and can't remember more than 2 minutes, but I now have a mum diagnosed as delusional, not as simple as it sounds. Does this mean she thinks she can achieve above her ability, no, it means she has an altered sense of reality. Add onto this she is now being tested for Parkinson's! hopefully the dopamine inhibitors can explain this but she has to be tested. So as I said I'm doomed. After the jolly trip !!! Hope you got that joke , we went to see dad. He has had a really serous problem. Much worse than his dementia! His trousers were too small, so last week mum bought him five new pairs. But they are too big!!!! So the ladies in the conservatory have had thrills all week as his pants fell down every time he stood up!!! A great source of amusement. The carer who help us fit him, put him a belt on, but some just didn't bother. Consequently he has shown his under garments numerous times. I went and took all the pants in today. To you none sewing types that means made them smaller! Then tried them on. They were too small!!! Arghhhh!!! But no he laughed and said I'm not breathing in so you can't fasten them. See even in the right trousers. He has not lost his sense of fun.

Would you rest your legs on a stranger?

apologies for spelling and grammar, IOS 7 does not like blogger! If the answer is no, you are not my dad. But then again if you are reading this you are not my dad either. Today has been trying. The reality of the cost of permanent care has hit my mum. She can't understand why she should use her meager savings to pay, that is my funeral money she kept saying. I'm getting a solicitor . They can't take that. Now granted mum has planned almost state funerals for both of them but even so she does have a point. Pay to the point of poverty is just wrong. So all the way there she was bringing home home, despite the fact so is not mentally or physically possible of doing this. But, onto dad. Today was a bad day. His memory is appalling to the point after his brew and biscuit when I asked him to brush away crumbs, he asked why I threw them at him. He has virtually no short term memory left. But his long term is fading fast. He thinks he lives with mum and asked why she had gone to the shop, and when I asked what is for tea, his answer. Whatever mum makes. But he was happy and having a laugh with the care staff, they are really good with him. On leaving mum asked do he want to come home. No, I am fine here said dad. yes, she was upset!he had no idea what she meant as he thinks he still lives with her having a goldfish memory. Even though is is getting worst and more physically frail, he is still a happy man. Tries to entertain and apparently has good manners. That is unless you happen to be sat opposite him and he is sleepy, when apparently he nudges your legs a few times to move. If you don't he simply puts his legs on your lap and goes to sleep!!! Excellent!!!

My mum sent me a card?????

Well yesterday my parents celebrated their Diamond Wedding, 60 years! I had been planning things in the background for months. It appeared effortless on the day. Carer brought dad out of home to venue. Mum flapped so much she forgot her tights!!! Mini bus arrived without step so me and my eldest son lifted her into the mini bus, and out again! Without showing her drawers! It was really nice to see them together in a "normal" setting. Usual family scuffles ensued, what is a family meal without distant cousins fighting??? Not really, every one got on. But dad sat there, said hello to old friends, knew who they were and even cracked a few jokes, but ....... He didn't recognise any of his grandchildren. My children were very close all night as another grandparent died just before we left for the celebration. They hovered round those that are left, my eldest got asked numerous times if he was a waiter???? No I'm her grandson. Oh the joy of dining with an ageing population. I introduced dad to his 18 year old grandson. He had no recognition, then stared at me and asked why I hadn't told him I was pregnant! I hope he doesn't mean now??? He did however remember the old friends there and it was nice to see him so social. My highlight was showing him the message from the Queen, this is now a card with the Queen on the front. He looked, and said why has my mother sent me a card? Then winked at me to let me know he knew who it was. Of course my mum got all huffy and said it's the Queen. Something's never change. However, I feel I have to comment on his appetite. He started eating at 6 and did not stop until 9. He ate every last scrap on his plate, smiled chatted and even managed to cut the cake. It was a really good night , but also sad. No not just because of the demise of a grandma but because of the demise of my children's grandad. He will ever remember the joy he brought when they were young, daft grandad, but they will remember for just this reason, he doesn't know who they are. However after watch him eat, as for my post being Dementia ate my dad, last night he ate it right back!!!!!

Let me entertain you

Well I returned from holiday, and saw a huge difference in my dad. Confusion beyond confusion. As we entered the home he was asleep, apparently he now sleeps most of the time. On waking he looked ill and disorientated. He came round slowly and we started to chat. At 3pm he couldn't remember his lunch. I used my safety fall back talk of his son and grandchildren, he has daughters???? Don't be silly! Was the reply. My next attempt was the photos I keep to show him on my phone. After 30 minutes I ascertained he can't remember the last 19 years. He knew my husband from his wedding photo But not from recent ones, he didn't know my children at all, or my dogs. He was one of their buddies. The next challenge will be his diamond wedding. I know from his personality that he will say hello to everyone. But he will not know who they are. And sadly won't remember the meal by the time he gets to bed. However he still continues to be a source of entertainment where he lives. Apparently he entertained the residents to a strip in the lounge, they all sang for him. He would have loved that, he did once do a " turn" on the Christmas concert as the three degrees! He has always been an entertainer, I have cringed so many times at him dressed up as Frank Spencer, Shirley Bassey, a man with no back in his suit, and as a man riding an emu!!! All costumes home made and fab. He swore all through his speech at my wedding, telling risky tales, which for a man I never heard swear before or after the event was odd, but he was on stage, he had an audience. Well I don't think he will be turning up for the do in drag!!!not this time.

Back to life, back to reality

I have been on holiday for the past two and a half weeks and am now getting ready to return. It's been a really peaceful time away from reality. However part of me is dreading it. Not only will i miss the sunny days spent in the pool with my family, or trundling round on my bike but I have to go back to being the carer of a carer. I stopped phoning my mum after the first week when she asked, how much longer are you away? This guilt I can do without. I have put plans in place whilst I am away for her to visit dad, for someone to take her shopping and she even has a to do list to keep her busy. But when I phoned the people did not take her shopping, well it's not fair to take up their time, you will be back soon. But enough of that! The holiday has brought back happy memories of childhood holidays where I would spend all day in the pool with my dad. My mum didn't do water. However, my dad thought, as the youngest child in the group of families who we went on holiday with, I would make an ideal topper for the human pyramids we built in the pool. I could often be found on top of a five person high structure. No fear! I had no choice built I loved it. I may remind him of this when I see him him at the weekend. Well my three weeks of peace come to an end but it does make you realise what it has been like for my mum for ten past ten years having to care for a stroke victim who then developed dementia. The physical side was hard work, but dementia is something else! So I will go home, take her shopping, listen to her moans and complaints, pay her bills, organise her life and simply look forward to their diamond wedding anniversary party in three weeks. Now that will be a source of entertainment, how many people will he offend in one night, then normally look and wink because he knows he can get away with it.

Hot Gossip

Now those of you who have previously read this blog know my dad is now in an EMI unit. That's Elderley Mentally Ill. Dementia as mentally ill, I beg to disagree. This is not a state of mind, he has progressive vascular dementia that is caused a physical narrowing of the vessels in his brain. But hey , ho. He is in a care home, a really nice home, with lovely residents. And caring staff..... But today I saw things, I asked for an escort to the bathroom for him. No one came, but I did spy one carer doing the hair of another in the hair salon at the end of the corridor. So what if he wets himself when my mum is visiting, make sure you look good when you turn out tonight. But part of me thought, you must hav ethe patience of a saint to do this job. I am not a soft touch. But even I did not speak or complain about this. Luckily he was ok in the bathroom. But did I need to wait for him to go? Why did I not go with him??? I'm his daughter and he still has some dignity. I did however have to take him for a shave, no one had bothered to help him do that. This is a very expensive five star home. Goodness knows what the three star ones get. Anyway onto the purpose of this blog. Most of the residents have memory issues. Heck, last week it was, who can remember longest? One lady proudly announced, I can remember what we had for lunch! The only one. Today they told me how much dad had enjoyed the tennis final. I asked him, reply I never saw it. For the first time ever mum cried whilst there. The guilt of having a husband in care still bothers her. We were talking about their diamond wedding and she said to super memory lady, well sixty years I have done the best I could. Too right, she spent the last ten as a full time carer for a stroke victim who developed dementia. No easy task. No matter how sad it is, going visiting make me giggle. It really annoys mum that I laugh at memory challenge. What ever I say, very loudly as both her and dad refuse to wear their hearing aids, is the source of gossip. My parking ticket last week was a hot topic for,,,,,, three minutes before they forgot. After shopping mum asked me not to discuss things that happen as they talk about it, she does not want to be the source of gossip. As for me. I am going to think of more and more scandalous things to say. They sit all day in the conservatory, nodding off, bored. If my silly tales amuse them and get them chatting for three minutes then go for it. I just need to think of some juicy bits of gossip they can relate to. The high today, dads face when they asked if he wanted a shandy! Oh yes please. Then he forgot it was there, left and it got warm. Wasted! Dementia is bad, but not drinking in hot weather just make sit worse.